Dear Tita Pacita: On Respect, Or The Lack Of It
Dear Tita Pacita,
How do you fight for yourself, your rights, when you know no one's gonna listen? I know because I've tried.. 🙁 How do I gain respect from other people?
Karen, 23, graphic artist
If you are concerned about respect from others, keep in mind (and heart) that how others react or treat you is beyond your control and concern. It is only your own that you should focus on, it's only your own that can be changed.
This is why my first advice is, If you find yourself in such a dilemma, evaluate your own actions first. And if you think you’ve done your part and still don’t get the respect you want, then that's their problem. Refer them to the Tita Pacita website to get proper guidance on life.
It also follows the saying that respect begets respect, or that violence breeds violence. And if you think you have been decent, polite, and considerate of others, and yet they still choose to disregard your existence, or what you have to say, you know what to do. Don't make patol.
Or you know, don't stoop down to their level. Say what you have to say and do what you have to do (and in the most honorable way possible!) and if that doesn't work, then walk away. Make your graceful exit.
This is why instead of trying to figure out why others behave as such, I choose to answer your question with a self-evaluation. Hopefully, despite others being ill-mannered, show them the respect they're supposed to be giving. Let it start from you. Meanwhile, here are probable reasons (please note that I am only wild-guessing the numerous possibilities) that might be the root of your problem:
YOU'RE BEING TOO NICE
You don’t say no. Can you believe saying no is actually a thing to be learned? Faced with a great opportunity or puppy dog, pleading eyes, it is impossible to say no sometimes, but you have to do it. One, it's to keep your sanity in check, because you should only say yes to things you can actually accomplish and follow through. Two, it’s also a way of showing others respect. That you value the work offered or that you'd really like to go wherever you're invited to, and while you’d love to do it, you simply cannot, and being honest about it is always the best way to turn down an offer, an invite, or what have you.
You let people decide for you. Absolutely a no-no. You have to stand your ground and be firm, whatever happens. If you say your weekends are reserved for pottery classes, then your weekends are reserved for pottery classes, no matter what. No amount of cooing or smooth talking should let you decide otherwise. Because if you go wishy-washy on your own words, then who’s going to take you seriously?
You don’t believe in your own ideas. Or even more so yourself. It’s true when they say no one else will love you if you don’t love yourself. Otherwise, if you're lacking in self-love and rely on others to do it for you, your relationship will only turn into one sad pity party. So be the first to do it and love yourself, your work, your ideas, your flaws, your everything! And the rest of the world will follow.
YOU'RE BEING MEAN AND NOT NOTICING IT
You have nothing good to say about others. If you’re vile and mean then it becomes absolutely difficult for others to show you kindness. The real world is full of people from all walks of life, and understandably, you won't get along with everyone. Respect others for the way they are, the space they need, their political views and standing, their voice and opinion, the work that they do, their family background and individual experiences. It comes a long way and you should be the first to show it.
You act on the wrong emotions. If you allow yourself to be angry or unreasonable, and worse, at the expense of hurting other’s feelings or embarrassing them, then that’s all really going to reflect badly on you. Maybe you are going through a hard time or maybe you have intensely strong feelings that you have to let out. But remember you are not the center of the universe, you are only the apple of your parents’ eye. But so are we. We all have things to deal with, and we should do so not at the expense of others' well-being.
You’re not being completely honest. When you try and manipulate people to get what you want or take advantage of others, you can and will probably get away with it, but trust me, you will have lost the other party's respect for you. And between having it your way versus scarring another person's trust, which do you think is more important?
YOU'RE BEING FLIGHTY LATELY
You don’t honor your word. If you can’t even keep the promises you yourself have made or have initiated, then there really is nothing good going on for you. Good bye…..
You are inconsiderate. This includes cancelling last minute or being perennially late. In your head, it’s no big deal, you’re just asking them to wait a bit, right? I mean, they can go buy a snack or pass the time via social media, anyway. But think of it this way. The other party prepared early and made an effort to arrive at the appointed time, which you both agreed on, so it’s only right to adhere to that and do the same as a form of respect. You'll never know what he or she also had to go through or give up, in an effort to proceed and follow through what you've planned.
You’re not prepared. Especially important if you’ve been told about the occasion in advance. Make the effort to research and find out what you're getting into so you can contribute well to the conversation. If it’s work-related, then all the more you should arrive prepared. It’s another way of showing that you respect their time, too.
Photos via the ever reliable K-drama review source, Dramabeans.